What it means to find a perfect partner when you are
an alpha female with high expectations, hopes, and dreams.
In Korea, I am 31 years old. In U.S., I am 29. This funny situation has spurred interesting conversation with friends and family. In the U.S, my friends say, “Oh, Kristy, you are still young. No rush. You are in San Francisco; the male-female ratio cannot be better than this. You are in high demand.” In Korea, my relatives say, “Kristy, you should put more effort into finding good husband material. You need to put in the effort. There’s no magic involved.”
I get their points; I am at the stage where it is not too late, yet not too soon, to find my life partner. Frankly speaking, I do want to find my soulmate and settle down. I believe in the concepts of happy marriage and happy family. However, here is the thing: I cannot just settle for something less than perfect. (And in “perfect” I mean my standards. I am not looking for a prince.)
You guys might wonder, what does she mean by “perfect”?
I am talking about qualities that I am looking for in a relationship. I learned this the hard way. In my early- to mid -20s, I had vague ideas of what a good relationship should look like and what kind of guys I found attractive. I was experimenting. I was not sure. Maybe I was not mature enough to really know. Yet, after several failed relationships, and upon entering my 30s, I now know some qualities that I need in a guy.
Mutual Respect: I am your champion. Are you my champion?
Physical attractions, sexual attractions, romantic dates, etc.—these do not last long for me. I need to know that a relationship is based on the mutual respect between two human beings. I know, this might sound complicated, but let me give an example. When two adults meet, we thin-slice each other very quickly (it might take less than two minutes): What school did you go to? Where are you from? What do you do for a living? You will initially be attracted to someone who has a lot in common— you two went to same school or have many mutual friends. However, soon you will realize that these things alone are not enough to build a strong relationship. They might give you an easier starting point, as you both already share so much in common. But, establishing a relationship is not about what the two of you have achieved so far. It is about building the future together. You both should know what each person wants in life and see if you can help each other to fulfill dreams. Trust me, this is hard. Because to know your partner’s hopes and dreams, you also should know his or her weaknesses. You need your partner to open up and tell you both the good and bad. Why is this so hard? Simple. We don’t want to feel vulnerable.
I can tell if I am in the right relationship by paying attention to my feelings. Do I feel comfortable showing my weaknesses to this person? Can I tell him everything without worrying about being judged? If the answer is yes, I know that I am in the right relationship, where I feel safe and nurtured. If the answer is no, I ask myself, “Why are you in this relationship?”
Life is hard. Our days are constructed of receiving an abundance of both good and bad news from work, family, and friends. At the end of the day, we need our champion — someone who can be happy with our good news and who can motivate us to do better when we have nothing but bad news.
I am thankful for my 20s. Those years taught me a lot – not just about what I want from others, but more about me and myself. I might fuck up again in my 30s, but, well, as long as I try my best to become a better version of myself and become a good champion of my future partner, I will be fine 🙂
Ps. Happy international women’s day